To Boldly Go Where No Blackadder Has Gone Before
by R.J. Bingham
Summary: Blackadder,Baldrick, George and Captain Darling Team Up With Captain James T Kirk For Cosmic Capers.
1. Chapter 1

To Boldly Go Where No Blackadder Has Gone Before

British Army trench France 1917, the morning of the big push.

The week long artillery barrage was over, the guns had fallen silent as the men lined up in the trench, Captain Edmund Blackadder the career soldier and hero of Umberto Gorge, drew his service revolver, looking along the line at the soon to be victims of this insanity called, "The Great War". He said futily, "Good luck everyone". blew the whistle that was the signal to climb the ladders and go,"over the top". The enemy artillery and machineguns opened up as men were blown up, or cut to pieces in the hail of molten lead that was directed at them. Blackadder with Baldrick to his left and Lieutenant George and Captain Darling to his right, were engulfed in a blinding flash and then sudden silence.

As the four comrades eyes began to focus on their strange surroundings, it was Baldrick who broke the silence.

"Captain B. are we dead, is this Heaven?"

Blackadder rolled his eyes, shook his head, knowing he was going to have to answer the inane halfwits question.

"No Baldrick, I think I can give at least two reasons we are definitely not dead".

George with his usual razor slow intellect piped up.

"Permission to speak sir".

"Permission granted George".

"Well Cap Balders may be onto something, I mean we're here, and we haven't been blown to bits, have we?"

"And your point is George"?

"Well gosh Captain you've put me on the spot there".

"No George you've put yourself on the spot agreeing with the swamp monster AKA Baldrick".

"What's an AKA Captain"?

"It means, also known as, Bloody Hell George what did they teach you at Cambridge? Don't answer that Lieutenant".

Captain Darling chirped in, "Hang on Blackadder, perhaps we are in heaven?"

"Don't you start Darling, we are not dead, and this isn't Heaven, we are, well I don't know where we are but it sure beats the hell out of where we were a moment ago"!

Baldrick sensing he had been right about his heaven hypothesis decided to pursue his argument with yet another question that was designed to irk his superior.

"Captain B. can I ask a question?"

"That makes three questions Baldrick, if you count, the are we dead, and is this heaven, as being valid questions and not the inane ramblings of a brain dead orangutan, please ask away if it is a really good question I'll give you a banana"!

"Thank you very much sir I like bananas, my question is, if in the first place, we were on the battlefield and then we were here, and we weren't on the battlefield in the second place, when we were here, how did we arrive here? I think we must be in heaven".

Blackadders expression was one of complete disbelief, he could feel his will to live draining away.

"Ok Baldrick I can prove we are not in heaven, firstly animals are not allowed in heaven, you are here ergo this can't be heaven. Secondly and this is very important, if we were in heaven we wouldn't feel pain, now would we Baldrick?"

Pondering for a second before nodding his head in agreement.

"Now we have established that come here Baldrick".

The poor fool came closer to his Captain, who thumped him on the nose, for being so trusting.

"That wasn't nice that really hurt Captain B.".

Smugly Blackadder said, "I rest my case".

The transporter chief had been listening to these four strangers, he couldn't understand what had gone wrong and why these four very strange characters had shown up he was expecting the delegation of the Boral confederation to have beamed up, his confusion must have prevented him from challenging who they were.

At this point the sliding doors opened with the whoosh sound they always made, in walked the Captain, now the transporter chief was wondering how he could explain the apparent transporter malfunction.

Smiling the Captain approached the four comrades and announced, "I am Captain James T. Kirk of the USS Enterprise, welcome aboard"! Looking at Blackadder, Kirk enquired, "Which one of you gentlemen is the High Consul?"

"I am Captain Edmund Blackadder of His Majesty's British Expeditionary Force, this is Captain Darling, Lieutenant George pompous twit, and this is my batman Baldrick, I must say you American's do have far cleaner quarters than we in the British Army have".

With a puzzled look Kirk questioned the group further, "So you are not from the Boral Confederation"?

"No the closest we have been to the Boral Confederation is the Wintergardens in Newport Pagnal". Blackadder couldn't help being sarcastic. He was alive and the threat of imminent death from sniper fire, machinegun or bomb blast no longer likely he determined to enjoy himself.


	2. Chapter 2

To Boldly Go Where No Blackadder Has Gone Before,

Baldrick's romance?

Captains cabin USS Enterprise.

Captains log supplemental:

" Following the transporter malfunction that resulted in the beaming up of Captain Blackadder and his party, I have received a message from Starfleet Command that the Enterprise is to hold position for the next twelve hours until we are joined by Admiral Edmund Blackadder of Starfleet Command's intelligence and counter-espionage division. I must admit I have had no dealings with this division since their work is covert. I have to ask the question though, "is the fact that the leader of the party we beamed up and the Admiral from intelligence, who both have the same name, a mere coincidence or is there something more than a transporter malfunction behind these events"? I have twelve hours to find out, Kirk out.

Blackadder's cabin.

Edmund reclined in his ergonomic chair with feet placed on the table slightly to the left of the computer monitor that was fixed to the table. Pencil in hand and a small notebook, he was writing busily when the buzzer that signalled someone was at the door sounded.

"Oh God just when you settle down to do something the bloody door bell chimes…"

Pressing the communication button on the table he said…

"Whatever you're selling we don't want any now piss off!"

The buzzer sounded again as Blackadder pushed the button again and asked, "Who is it?"

"Captain B. it's me Baldrick I got to talk to you".

"Oh goody, I am all ears". Blackadder said sarcastically.

"Captain B. can I come in it's important".

Pushing the door entry button Blackadder braced himself for Baldrick's undoubted useless prattling.

"Sorry to interrupt Sir, but I need your advice".

Scratching his head with the pencil before tucking it behind his ear Blackadder looked in Baldrick's direction and gave a sigh, he knew all too well that Baldrick would soon tax his patience to breaking point, and seeing as he hadn't got a gun on him, the prospect of manual strangulation was running through the Captain's mind.

"Well Baldrick what pearls of wisdom can your trusty Captain offer you?"

"I am in love Captain and I want to know if I can get married, because we aren't in the war anymore and I want to settle down and raise a family?"

Pondering this latest revelation from his batman Blackadder cast his gaze to the ceiling as if looking for divine inspiration, before asking…

"You are in love and want to know if you can get married because we aren't in the war anymore and you want to settle down and have a family, is that right Baldrick, I merely ask because I am shocked?"

"Me too Sir, I have never met anyone like her and… why are you shocked Sir?"

"Baldrick I am shocked, because I can't imagine any sane human woman even in deep space who would want to settle down and have your children, I don't want to upset you Baldrick but you have all the sex appeal of a clogged toilet".

"Thank you very much Sir, she loves me just as I am and she isn't human she is a Ferengi".

"Hold on Baldrick the only Ferengi woman on this ship is Ishra".

"You've met her then Sir? Isn't she lovely with those large ears and those pointed teeth and that perfume".

"Enough Baldrick I have met her and she would be a perfect match for you except for one thing…".

"What's that then Sir?"

"Well Baldrick I don't know how to break this to you…".

"She isn't already married is she Sir? Tell me she isn't".

"No Baldrick she isn't married…"

"Phew for a minute you had me worried Sir".

"It's much worse than that I am afraid my little swamp dweller".

"How much worse could it be Sir, go on tell me I can take it".

"Steady yourself Baldrick, the fact is Ishra your only true love is a hologram".

"That doesn't matter Sir we love each other and that's all that matters".

"No Baldrick you can't marry a hologram because they aren't a living creature".

"Are you sure Sir?"

"Yes I am absolutely positive Baldrick much as it pains me to have to break this news to you, now bugger off and leave me to calculate exactly how much back pay the British Army owes me".


End file.
